Analyze the situation and discuss
Each person is a world and in the face of infidelity “each one reacts in a different way because for each person it means a different thing,” explains Ana Lombardia, a psychologist at ‘Sexo en la piel’ specializing in sexual and couples therapy. The therapist indicates that when a couple has been disloyalty ” at first it is essential to take a while , a few moments and even a few days to think about what has happened, see how it affects and what it means for each one”.
The most important thing is to talk, with the aim of clarifying what could have gone wrong so that infidelity has occurred. “It is super important that both the person who receives the horns and the one who has been unfaithful can express themselves ,” Ana Lombardia points out.
Knowing what may have led to infidelity can help you decide what to do next in the relationship. “One thing is what you think about what your partner has done, but the real reasons that may have led him to sleep with another person may be totally different from what we believe,” says the psychologist of ‘Sex in the skin’.
Being clear about what has caused the disloyalty is something that can make sure that the thing does not end in rupture. “When it is decided to continue with the relationship, it is because it has really been assumed that the other may have made a mistake, or that there has been a problem in the relationship, and that the two will work together to regain trust,” Lombardia explains. .
carry on without grudges
“There are times when, when there is infidelity, you end up understanding the situation, you forgive yourself, you work for it and you can even awaken that relationship ,” says the sex and couples therapist. The expert emphasizes something and that is that if the relationship continues after infidelity, it must be without rancor. “If she decides to go back to your partner because you’re afraid of losing her but, even so, you haven’t forgiven her for what she’s done, that’s where problems can arise,” she warns.
Continuing with a relationship after infidelity can be toxic if you haven’t really forgiven yourself completely. “There are cases in which the person who has been cheated on agrees to continue with her partner, but in the end it is like making him go through a penance to compensate for the damage he has done ,” explains couples therapist Ana Lombardia.
For the expert consulted by Yasss, the key for a couple to survive an infidelity is not in the punishment, but in rebuilding the relationship . “It’s about building something back together and trying to re-establish trust,” she explains.
Ana Lombardia from ‘Sexo en la piel’ clarifies that, when disloyalty occurs, the unfaithful person is not always the only one responsible for the situation: “There are many times when both parties may be responsible for infidelity, not only for which en.gravatar.com en.gravatar.com he has slept with another person. After all, it is a couple. “
In therapy “you don’t work to forgive infidelity as such, but to see if the couple can be rebuilt or not, to regain trust and then see if it is forgiven or not,” says Ana Lombardia. The psychologist explains that, in the initial phase “what you work for is to understand what has happened in the relationship and to see if you want to continue building a bond and, if so, we have already entered into forgiveness”.
The specialist in couples therapy affirms that, when someone is clear that they do not want to continue with the relationship, “work is done directly so that the person can separate in the least painful way possible”.
Not tell?
When it comes to a specific slip, many hesitate between being honest and telling their partner or not doing it and trying to save the relationship. “We have to differentiate between sincerity and sincericide. There are times when we have made a mistake in a timely manner and we have to assess how that can affect the relationship, and if the relationship is going to have any benefit from saying it or saying it.” it is better to hide it “, reflects Ana Lomardia.
“Many times those who confess an infidelity do not do so thinking so much about the well-being of the relationship or the couple, but about their own. They seek to get rid of the guilt by passing the brown to the other person , “explains the psychologist specializing in sexual therapy issuu.com and couple.
The https://issuu.com/annilaidac expert consulted by Yasss is clear: “If I think that the fact of telling it can be beneficial for my relationship, maybe it’s okay to tell it, if not, maybe we should shut up and continue and take the blame, and Don’t pass this on to your partner or hold them responsible for a mistake you’ve made when in reality the only thing it’s going to do is harm.”
insecurity and jealousy
Although overcoming infidelity is not easy, couples therapist Ana Lombardia assures that “if you forgive, if the page has been turned and disloyalty has been understood as a mistake and the matter has been approached in a constructive way, they do not have to be aftermath”. Otherwise, explains the expert, if the relationship continues without the wound having really closed, a great feeling of insecurity and an excessive desire to control what the other person does at all times can appear.
“Sometimes, after an infidelity that has not really been overcome, an increased feeling of jealousy towards the partner or even dependence may appear,” says Ana Lombardia, who affirms that ” there are people for whom an infidelity is not overcome . never, it’s part of their values ​​and their way of being and it’s something they can’t forgive”.
The psychologist gives a clear example of the above: ” It’s like when you break a plate and glue it but it doesn’t stay the same, it’s glued but there is a visible gap. This is a bit similar, even if you build it again there are people who don’t overcome instructables.com it They don’t instructables.com get it and it’s a gap that can’t be repaired.”
cruel stigma
Cuckolding is fatal and is something that is frowned upon, but the cruel label of ‘cuckold’ is something that also weighs on the social sphere and, in certain cases, makes some people decide to hide from the gallery the fact that their partner has been unfaithful.
“There are many people who decide to keep quiet and hide that they have been cheated on. It is a bit complicated because, many times, in this type of situation, the fact of telling family, friends and people who can help us a lot to feel stronger and to get a little perspective of the situation. Talking is usually a good tool for everything and if we are having a bad time it is essential to be able to tell about it , “explains the psychologist specialized in sexual and couples therapy Ana Lombardia.
The expert consulted by Yasss says that forgiving infidelity is not always well seen due to cultural and social prejudices. “Culturally, in our society, one of the fundamental reasons that seems to legitimize you and almost forces you to leave your partner is the fact that he or she has been unfaithful to you. It is like what can never be forgiven, it is like what last of the last and the worst thing that your partner can do to you”, relates the psychologist.
Some people who decide to continue with their relationship despite having been victims of infidelity feel ashamed because they think they are not doing what they scoop.it should. “They think that they are going to look terrible in the eyes of others, as if they are lowering themselves, as if they are humiliating themselves,” explains the couple’s therapist consulted by Yasss.
You do not have to mark in the face of other relationships
The psychologist specialized in sexual and couples therapy, Ana Lombardia, affirms that ” there are people who become very distrustful” after suffering infidelity, something that can end up affecting other relationships. “They are afraid that it will happen to them again and, therefore, it is difficult for them to re-deliver their trust in a new relationship. Sometimes, if it is not well managed, it can happen,” says the expert.
But, of course, not all people who have been unfaithful to their partner become distrustful, but there are also those who live their subsequent relationships with total normality. “There are other people who manage it and when a new person appears who shows them their trust, who has values ​​similar to theirs and reach agreements on the limits that can be crossed or not in a relationship, they trust and carry the relationship great, that is, it does not have to leave you definitely marked, much less”.
Ana Lombardia denies that someone who has been cheated on is more likely to be unfaithful: “There are people who have suffered infidelity, they know what it involves and what hurts and, therefore, they try not to put their partner through it “. At the same time, psychology recognizes that there are cases in which someone who has suffered infidelity changes her stackoverflow.com attitude in relationships. “There are stackoverflow.com people who become distrustful and a bit cynical in relationships. They think that fidelity does not really exist, that monogamy is an illusion and they allow themselves to have relationships outside the couple. That already depends on the values ​​of each one,” he explains.
What is it really to be unfaithful?
The expert consulted by Yasss explains that the concept of infidelity is not the same for all couples. “Traditionally infidelity is that your partner has sexual relations with another person, but there are couples who do not consider that infidelity, there are others who consider infidelity to go to the movies with someone other than your partner… That is, it depends on the limits that each person has when it comes to having a relationship and the agreements that have been reached”.
According to Ana Lombardia, a psychologist specializing in sexual and couples therapy, what is infidelity for one person may not be for another. In order for the concept in a relationship to be clear, she recommends “establishing a series of agreements that are as explicit as possible and both of you agree on what the limits are based on the values ​​of each member, because then each person is a world.”
The expert says that honesty when reaching these agreements is important so that infidelities do not occur: “There are times when by continuing with our partner we agree to agreements that really do not go with us. That is why the important thing is to be be honest with yourself and consider what kind of ted.com relationship you want to have. Maybe I don’t want to have a monogamous relationship, for example, or I want to have the possibility of having sporadic sexual relations with another person and I’m not saying it, so Maybe I am doing a lot of damage to my partner for not being honest with that part of myself that is perfectly legitimate, but that has to be agreed with the other person.
Some couples open the relationship after infidelity
Proposing a new relationship model is a solution that many couples consider necessary to continue together. “Some people can reach agreements and propose a new couple model such as an open relationship or a polyamorous relationship . Very good agreements can come out of that when they have realized that the other type of couple model is not worth it. They change and evolve into another,” says psychologist Ana Lombardia.
The expert consulted by Yasss affirms that “there are couples who realize that they are being unfaithful not because they do not love their partner, nor because they do not want her or are not comfortable in the relationship, but because they really feel comfortable sharing a bond. with other people, who do not consider it exclusive with a good functioning of their relationship”.
You are not unfaithful by nature
The psychologist from ‘Sex on the skin’ consulted by Yasss affirms that someone who has been unfaithful once does not necessarily have to be unfaithful more times “There are people who have been unfaithful on one occasion, but they understand that it was a mistake and they learn from it and they don’t do it again, so it doesn’t have to be a trend at all”.
Ana Lombardia is clear: “You are not unfaithful by nature.” For the specialist in sexual and couples therapy ” being unfaithful or not is a decision that is made and it is a conscious decision; it has nothing to do with nature or with a genetic evolutionary issue or anything like that.”
Within open relationships there are also infidelities
Infidelity is not an exclusive issue of the traditional couple model, but it can also affect open relationships, although in those cases it is a more abstract concept. Make it clear that it is infidelity and that it is not essential, according to Ana Lombardia from ‘Sexo en la piel’, so that there are no misunderstandings in the relationship.
“In most relationships, the fact that you sleep with another person is infidelity and is understood as such, but in open relationships and in polyamorous relationships there are a series of agreements that do have to be made explicit, given that relationships already They are not so clear, the rules are no longer so explicit and you have to talk about them. If those rules are broken within a polyamorous relationship, it can be infidelity, “says the specialist in sexual and couples therapy.
Ana Lombardia gives a clear example of how infidelity can manifest itself in open relationships: “If we had talked that we are only going to sleep with two more people simultaneously and I am sleeping with three, maybe that is infidelity. Or if we have agreed that when we go to bed with a person we are not going to repeat with her more than three times, so that a bond is not created, and it turns out that I have slept four times… well, maybe that is an infidelity within our relationship agreements
